Well folks, we tried taping a SMASHed finale with two of our best buds on the planet.

But alas, it wasn’t in the cards for a variety of reasons - technical problems, pure exhaustion, a broken corkscrew which limited our wine intake.

Also, WHO PUTS THE FINALE OF A TV SHOW THE SUNDAY NIGHT OF A HOLIDAY WEEKEND? I’m in the country yall. #NoCable #BarelyInternet

The morning after, these two photos (taken and tweeted by @jambajess) are all that remain from our drunken viewing laughfest…

Kenny told stories about his Tony nomination. Brendan fashioned a massive juice box of wine out of bendy straws and ingenuity. Their dog Mabel sighed and rolled her eyes A LOT. (Especially at Debra Messing.)

I’m sorry you all couldn’t have been here.

RIP Smash.

[Raises wine glass to Kyle’s memory.]

Thanks for watching all these months! It’s been real! (Real sloppy!)

xoxoxxoxoxo

Being a big time fancy pants executive producer on some of Bravo’s biggest hit shows didn’t stop Matt Anderson from appearing on the SMASHed couch. And he made it just in time for a Broadway sex tape AND a 400 year old chorus girl.

(But seriously. Having Matt on the show was such a treat for me. The next logical step is getting Spielberg to drunkenly recap The Real Housewives of New Jersey.)

“What a difference a vagina makes…”

The latest “Idol in a Minute” recap is jam-packed with insanity. Packed tighter than Lazaro’s pants, in fact.

Now have your way with it, internet!

Take a sip of your cocktail, preferably a $7 martini ready to be thrown in your ex-husband’s face, a green smoothie (NO PEANUTS), or a straight shot shared with your arch-nemesis/best friend, any time one of these things happen:

• Eileen speaks loudly and/or nonsensically into a phone (extra sip if it’s a landline)
• The company sits eagerly on the floor, legs crossed, rapt with attention (extra sip if there’s a close up on the blonde girl who is always losing her phone)
• Nick the Bartender shows up with an injury that is awkwardly referenced, yet unexplained and then never brought up again
• Scarf on screen
• You think for a second that Dev’s co-worker is actually Karen
• Somebody hallucinates a Marilyn
• A new “Bombshell” song debuts (extra sip if it’s a reprise of an old song but you think it’s a new song)
• Derek refers to Karen as “the/that Cartwright girl”
• Single tear
• Ellis hovers
• Julia clenches her jaw and squints in dramatic exchange
• Ivy takes pills
• More than 3 seconds go by with no dialogue but a lot of looking (extra sip for each additional second)
• A character sees an entire scene from an above window
• “Bruno Mars show at La MaMa”
• Karen does baby voice (aka breathy Marilyn voice)
• Karaoke
• Frank and/or Julia and/or Leo have a talk about “family”
• Tom becomes extra Jewish (“oy vey”) when boyfriend Sam gets religious
• 80s workout attire
• Anyone references an earlier play created by Julia and Tom (extra sip for “Three on a Match”)
• Bangs
• Tom talks about how Ivy is a “pro”
• Dead eyes
• Someone tells Tom he’s “crazy about that dancer”
• Someone reads the iPad edition of the New York Post
• Scene cuts from rehearsal to costumed version of the same song (extra sip for History is Made at Night, extra two sips if Karen is now blonde)
• Michael Swift gets rape-y around Julia
• Make up mirror surrounded by printouts of Marilyn at various stages of her career (extra sip if someone is looking in it and having a conversation with someone behind them, two extra sips if they never turn around)
• Someone says something about the real Marilyn Monroe that is wildly inaccurate
• Derek has sex with someone and dismisses it as “showbiz, dahling”
• Someone refers to the show as “Bombshell” and you still can’t still believe it’s not just called “Marilyn” (I mean, really?!?!)
• Drink in the face
• You’re unclear as to whether you’re supposed to want Julia and Michael Swift, or Dev and Karen, or Ivy and Derek, to get or stay together
• New dancers appear in a “Bombshell” musical number even though at this point you’re supposed to know the whole company
• The new ending of “Bombshell” conveniently involves both Karen and Ivy (extra sip if it is gospel-tinged)
• Two words: “Chinese baby”

By the end of tonight’s season finale you should be as drunk as Eileen Rand’s ex-husband’s shirt. Enjoy!

*Don’t actually play. You WILL die of alcohol poisoning.*

Is it just me or was Ryan Seacrest talking about porn all last week?

Check out my latest “Idol” 3D-cap!

[If you don’t have 3D glasses, you can turn off the 3D mode at the bottom of the YouTube player and watch it like a normal person.]

The new Meow Mix Tender Centers commercial features a VERY hungry cat. I’m obsessed with him. I remixed the ad so that you can fully appreciate his unhinged jaw. Somebody feed this cat more regularly! Sheesh!!!