On Wednesday I set out to experience one of the biggest flops in movie history, a bizarre kids movie called “The Oogie Loves in The Big Balloon Adventure.” The only thing I knew about it (other than its record breaking opening weekend) was that the guy who produced “Teletubbies” was involved and it was designed for 3 year olds. (You know, because 3 year olds are old enough to ask their parents to take them to the movies.)
I was hoping to live-tweet my experience but alas, I didn’t get any cell service inside the Glendale Pacific Theaters. So instead, I saved all my un-sent tweets and compiled them below.
11:00am - The only other person here is an old man with a walker. Creepy. Why is he seeing a kids movie at 11:15am? Pervert alert! Then again, he could be thinking the same thing about me.
[i snapped a pic of my fellow Oogieloves fan on the way out.]
11:05am - Just watched the old man take 5 minutes to carefully sit in his seat without dropping a kernel of popcorn. I feel like this had more tension and suspense than anything I’m about to see in the “Oogieloves.”
11:25am - The flick begins! The Oogieloves play instruments?! They also instruct the audience that throughout the movie, butterflies will signal us to DANCE in the aisles! I feel bad for the old guy with the walker because if he tries to get up, it’ll take 82 minutes and the movie will be over.
11:27am - The green Oogielove is four foot tall and loves pickles. Snooki…is that you?
11:28am - Oh no. There’s a creepy face in a window singing about waking up. Nightmares!! Apparently the window face has a name: Windy Willow. She has a Southern accent. If I wrote this movie, I’d make her Italian and give her Venetian blinds.
11:30am - Now we’re in a park (the trees look like marijuana buds, mind you) and we meet a singing and dancing vacuum cleaner. Why is he vacuuming outside? He’s on his way to the Oogieloves’ swingin’ pad for their pillow friend’s birthday party!
11:31am - Ugh. The vacuum cleaner just lost ALL the balloons for the birthday boy. This vacuum SUCKS.
11:32am - It gets better: the vacuum’s name is J. Edgar. (Get it? J. Edgar HOOVER?)
11:33am - Conflict: the Oogieloves can’t have a surprise birthday party for their pillow without balloons. And thus begins their big balloon adventure. (I guess there’s no Party City nearby?)
11:35am - Oh snap, J. Edgar is staying behind at the Oogie’s pad to hang with Windy Willow. She’s flirting with him. I am not reading into this, friends. There is a very clear implication that the vacuum is gonna sex up the window. Thanks for creating a new fetish, Oogieloves! (Also, yikes. Sex with a vacuum: kids don’t try that at home.)
11:36am - Toofie (the Purple One) refuses to wear a belt. His shorts fall down. Constantly. We’re supposed to yell “Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants” every time it happens. I do. The elderly gentleman does not. This leads me to believe that he wishes Toofie’s pants remain down. Like I said: PERVERT.
11:38am - Windy Willow: “there’s nothing better than J. Edgar’s flapjacks in the morn.” WHOA. So the vacuum has cooked the window breakfast before? We have even more evidence that J. Edgar is rubbing his hose on the Southern window’s face.
[At this point, I whipped out my phone’s camera because the images on screen were some of the strangest I’ve ever seen projected and I needed to make sure I wasn’t having a fever dream.]
11:43am - Cloris Leachman, as Grandma Dotty! She’s a crazy old lady who lives in a tree and sighs orgasmically about circles. She did her own makeup in a car on the way to set, right?
11:47am - This forty year old is dressed like a tween and made a “Pulp Fiction” reference. Lord help me if one of the Oogieloves says, “Bring out the gimp.”
11:48am - The Oogielove with Miley Cyrus’ new haircut safely jumps out of a tree by holding on to a balloon. This doesn’t work in real life, kids! But the filmmakers encourage you to try!
11:49am - 99% of the songs that the Oogieloves sing sound like “Hollaback Girl.”
11:50am - Back in the Oogieloves’ house, the pillow bday boy is PASSED THE EFF OUT. I kinda feel like this shady vacuum character roofied him. #Happiness #Oogieloves
11:52am - Next stop: Milky Marvin’s Milkshake Manor. Two owls welcome the Oogieloves outside the soda shop. But it’s broad daylight. So they’re rabid, right?
11:53am - This movie gets odder by the minute. Enter Chazz Palminteri, holding one of the Oogieloves’ balloons hostage! In order to win it back, he’s making the Oogieloves BEG for his milk. (Milkshake, I hope.)
11:54am - Yes, it’s a milkshake song. Kelis has nothing to worry about. Her’s is infinitely catchier.
11:55am - Chazz teaches us his milkshake dance. At one point he asks us to get down low (on one’s knees, if you will) but most of the dance involves placing an invisible oversized straw/phallus in your mouth. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, FRIENDS.
11:56am - They spent $20 million on this movie yet they couldn’t afford auto-tune for poor ol’ Chazz? Woof!
11:58am - Chazz’s only employee.
11:59am - Spoiler alert: they win the milkshake sucking contest. So now they’re off to find Toni Braxton. As one does.
12:01pm - Toni is wheezing a slow jam called “Scratchy Sniffy Cough Cough.” The butterflies tell me to get out of my seat and dance but I’m not really sure how to boogie to this sultry number. Tempted to give the old dude in the front a lap dance?
12:02pm - I’m now convinced that the $20 million budget breakdown of this movie is as follows. $4 million for the actors. $1 million for the puppets. $15 million for all the acid the filmmakers took while making this.
12:03pm - Toni Braxton has to cancel her world tour because of low ticket sales. I mean…a balloon is wrapped around her jet engine.
12:05pm - Around the forty minute mark, the filmmakers start f*cking with the potheads in the audience.
12:06pm - Smooth criminal!!
12:07pm - Now on to balloon number four. Wait. HOW MANY BALLOONS ARE MISSING? This movie has more false endings than “The Return of the King.”
12:12pm - This man (OMG CARY ELWES RIP YOUR CAREER) is holding another balloon hostage. He makes the Oogieloves enter his windowless truck and promises them “bubbles.” I’ve heard truck stops can be depraved but this is a new low.
12:18pm - Penelope is gassy, has bunions, a bad back, cataracts in both eyes… In other words, Penelope has more backstory than all of the other characters combined.
12:19pm - Upon retrieving the fourth balloon, the Oogieloves scream “HIGH FOUR!” (They only have four fingers.) I guffaw heartily when the sound of them smacking each others hands is simply a felt-cushioned thud.
12:20pm - I think to myself, “You know what this movie is missing? A giant flying sombrero.”
12:24pm - ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!
12:25pm - Jaime Pressly lives inside the big hat. She spends her days doing a bad Sofia Vergara impression while…
12:37pm - Christopher Lloyd terrifies children everywhere.
12:38pm - (Spoiler alert.) ALL FIVE BALLOONS ARE RECOVERED! Jaime Pressly kisses the Oogielove’s fish friend (who has been around the entire movie just to add a Larry David-esque quality to the Oogieloves’ world) and loudly exclaims, “Holy mackerel.” I exclaim, “Oy vey.”
12:39pm - The balloons harmonize like the Beach Boys, teaching toddlers just how high Brian Wilson was while making “Pet Sounds.”
12:40pm - The Oogieloves return home and interrupt J. Edgar questioning Windy Window about her drapes. Windy Willow says, “A window’s gotta keep SOME secrets.” Could this be the first ever pubic hair reference in a children’s movie? Well done, filmmakers!
12:41pm - The pillow finally wakes up. (Thankfully, its anus is not bleeding a la “Happiness.”) Happy birthday, pillow! Here, we got you these balloo……… The frickin’ balloons fly away. So the “Oogieloves” movie is a tragedy?
12:42pm - “The only thing stronger than wind…………….is love.” -actual dialogue.
12:42pm - The audience is encouraged to blow kisses at the screen to…wait for it…counteract the wind. Okay, “Oogieloves.” I’ll give you your flying sombreros and singing Chazz Palminteris and vacuum sex addicts… But blowing kisses to reverse the weather? That’s just stupid. Despite the fact that there are only two people in this theater and neither of us are participating, the balloons safely return to the party.
12:45pm - Grand finale time! All the Oogieloves’ new friends come on Windy’s face (what a dirty girl!) and shower the birthday pillow with confetti and a tiny hat! This looks highly unpleasant, as the pillow puppet has no arms or legs with which to flail. So this pillow thing is just twitching around while stuff gets blasted on its face. I’m sad.
12:47pm - But the filmmakers know just how to cheer me up: GIANT OVERSIZED FELT CREATURES HIP HOP DANCING DURING THE END CREDITS!
12:48pm - A snapped a self-portrait immediately after the film ended:
I’ll never be the same.
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